Chapter 1: In Which Author Dent Encounters a Problem that is Not Tea
by Wayne HayesChapter 1: In Which Author Dent Encounters a Problem that is Not Tea
The morning sun rose reluctantly over the small town of Nowhere-in-Particular, casting a faintly indifferent glow through the kitchen window of Author Dent’s modest abode. It slithered in uninvited, illuminating a scene of quiet despair. Standing in front of a gleaming, aggressively modern appliance was Author Dent, a man who had recently learned two very uncomfortable truths.
First, he’d discovered that his Nutri-matic Beverage Synthesizer was far less interested in synthesizing beverages than it was in making a soft, regretful humming sound.
Second, and perhaps more disturbing, was that all he really wanted was a simple cup of tea. And the Nutri-matic seemed not to have the faintest idea how to produce one.
He’d tried everything reasonable: pressing the button labeled tea, pressing the button labeled beverage, and even pressing the button labeled mildly radioactive fluid in the off-chance that tea might be a reasonable approximation. Yet the machine continued to whirr thoughtfully, emit a small puff of smoke, and display a message on its screen:
ERROR 42: BEVERAGE NOT FOUND.
Now, the more astute of you might recognize “42” as the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything. However, it should be noted that in the context of Author’s Nutri-matic, 42 was simply a very large number of errors, each one less meaningful than the last. The Nutri-matic, it seemed, was both entirely useless and sublimely oblivious to the concept of tea.
Author stared at the Nutri-matic and sighed. He was about to give it a sharp kick when his eye fell upon a small, highly questionable book on the countertop: The Hitchhiker's Guide to NixOS. The cover was an unassuming shade of dark blue with bold, comforting white text that read, “Don’t Panic.” Below that was a small addendum in parentheses which added, “(Unless you don’t know what you’re doing, in which case, definitely panic).”
He picked it up, flipped open to a random page, and was greeted with the following words:
Section 1.1: The Inconvenience of Desire
“In the unlikely event that you, dear reader, find yourself yearning for a beverage beyond the cognitive grasp of your Nutri-matic, it is recommended that you simply reinstall your operating system. This will at the very least give you something to do while you try to convince yourself that you’re no longer thirsty.”
This seemed, Author thought, quite strange. He certainly hadn’t expected install an operating system to be the first step in obtaining a cup of tea. He scanned down the page, hoping for something more useful, perhaps a recipe or at least some guidance on pressing buttons with a bit more gusto. But the guide continued, unyielding:
“The installation of NixOS is not for the faint of heart, nor for those who may wish to complete the process without serious existential reflection. Before proceeding, ensure you have: 1) A machine capable of booting, 2) A copy of NixOS on suitable removable media, and 3) A grasp on the fleeting nature of reality itself.”
Author’s curiosity was now piqued, which was a welcome improvement over his previous state of mind, best described as a blend of despair and caffeine withdrawal. He rummaged around in his drawers until he located a thumb drive he’d once received as a free promotional item. It had the faintly cheerful logo of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation on it and was somehow sticky despite never having been near any sort of liquid in its life.
He inserted the drive into his computer and began to follow the instructions with the determined, if somewhat vague, purposefulness of a man who wasn’t entirely sure what he was doing but was entirely sure that he had nothing better to do.
The first step, according to The Hitchhiker's Guide to NixOS, was to “boot from the removable media and pray, as this is generally an underused yet highly effective installation technique.” He adjusted a few settings in the BIOS, a place that the Guide described as “the primordial swamp of your computer’s memory, where only the bravest and most foolhardy ever venture.” A few clicks and an ambiguous warning later, the machine began to hum with the unmistakable sound of something that was, by all appearances, actually going to work.
The Guide had more to say about the BIOS, of course:
“Much like a Vogon’s Poetry Slam, the BIOS screen is a place where one is confronted with choices of dubious merit. ‘Enable Legacy Boot? Disable Secure Boot?’ it will ask. These are, of course, profound and rhetorical questions, but one must answer them nonetheless if one wishes to move forward. Should you find yourself baffled, simply select whichever option appears least likely to result in spontaneous combustion.”
Moments later, Author found himself staring at a black screen with a blinking cursor, patiently waiting for him to issue his first command. According to the Guide, this was an important moment.
“Upon reaching the command line, one should pause to consider the vast implications of the blinking cursor. It is the universe’s way of saying, ‘Go on, make your move, but remember: the cosmos is watching.’”
The Guide suggested typing:
$ nixos-install
He typed it, hit enter, and waited. What followed was a series of incomprehensible messages, scrolling faster than he could read, each one seemingly more cryptic than the last.
“This is normal,” assured the Guide, “and much like standing at the edge of a cliff, it is best not to think too deeply about it. The installation process may take anywhere from a few minutes to several decades, depending on the alignment of the planets, the phase of the moon, and the state of the intergalactic economy.”
The Guide then went on to explain that, as the installation proceeded, one might find oneself thinking back fondly on the days when all they wanted was a simple cup of tea. This, it cautioned, was a dangerous road, as one could easily find themselves overcome by the urge to press CTRL-C. Doing so, it warned, would most likely result in “an installation error so profound it would destabilize the entire multiverse.”